theresa tours

since i give so much touristy advice to a good chunk of people i know, i've decided to start a little tourist service and capitalize on my travelling skills.  since a few of my british friends are thinking of coming over and touring LA, i thought i'd draft up a little welcome pack for them:

LOS ANGELES  behold the wonders of capitalism

dear british tourist,

welcome to LA, the capital of capitalism.  my name is theresa and i will be your tour guide.  you will find included in this welcome pack the following items:  sunscreen (spf 200), flip-flops (also known as "sandals"), sunglasses, shorts (trousers with pant legs that do not extend past the knees), and an LA dialect - english translation dictionary.  while many of these items may be foreign and unfamiliar to you, many of these items will help you to cope with something prevalent in LA called "sunlight".  if you have any questions on how to use any of these items, your tour guide will be happy to show you.  below, you will find some information on LA that will help you prepare for your stay.  please read the information carefully, as failure to adjust to local LA custom may result in your getting shot.

general:  population - 4 million;  religion - hedonism;  popular activities - clubbing, shopping, sex;  ethnicity - 50% white, 50% asian, 50% mexican/latino, 50% african american, 50% mixed, 50% looking like one race on the outside but really another race on the inside.

language:

do not mention -
as a european, you may be accustomed to something called "walking to places" and "taking public transport".  these are not things that are done in LA.  "public transport" does not exist and the only place walking is done is in something called "outdoor malls" (please consult your LA-english dictionary for more information on what is an "outdoor mall").  therefore, do not say to the locals any form of the following:  "how do i walk to ____?",  "where is the train station?",  "can i take a bus there?".  saying such things may result in confusion, your being ridiculed, mugged (robbed at gun point; please refer to the LA-english dictionary for more on "mugging"), or shot.  instead say, "how long does it take to drive there?" and "where do i park?".  expect the local's reply to take the form of something similar to, "1-2hrs depending on traffic" for a distance of 15miles.  if you plan on taking theresa's red beetle bug service for transport, please do not be alarmed when she curses, pulls out a gun, and shoots other competing drivers when trying to park or merge into traffic.  this is common LA driving behaviour.  wear your safety belt at all times.

as a european, you will also be accustomed to other activities that are uncommon in LA and the united states in general.  therefore, do not begin your sentences with any of the following:  "i think"  "i studied"  "i read"  "i wrote", or mention anything having to do with "helping others".  thinking, studying, reading and writing, and helping others are un-american and particularly rare in LA.  do not mention "racism" or "political correctness"; while such topics are sensitive issues and treated with tact and discretion in other parts of the world, the concepts of "racism" and "political correctness" do not exist in california and ideas such as "tact", "sensitivity", and "subtlety" are absent from the minds of the locals.  do not mention other countries or states outside of california; californians are not aware that there is a world outside their state, and many cannot leave their home-state as they cannot survive away from their californian luxuries.  do not use words longer than 2-syllables; you will not be understood.  do NOT use any british words, such as "knackered" "toilet" "rubbish" "queue" "cheers"; you WILL get shot.  in the event that you are asked by a local any form of the following question: "how are you?", do not reply "horrible" and then list your life's miseries; you will only receive blank stares.  instead, the standard reply, regardless of your true feelings, is "good! and you?".  as a rule, refrain from moaning (or "complaining", as it is referred to in LA-dialect), as it is frowned upon in american culture in general.

if you wish to engage the locals in conversation, here are several common phrases in LA-dialect that you may wish to practice:  "did you see that ferrari?"  "what gym do you belong to?"  "what club do you want to hit this friday?" (consult the LA-english dictionary on the various uses and meanings of "hit", "hit on", and "hit up"), and  "i'm trying to lose weight", or if you're a bloke (or "guy" in LA-dialect), "i'm trying to get a six-pack".  please also familiarize yourself with the following words, as they may help you to understand the locals:  hella adv. very, that guy is hella hot!  hecka adv. very, that guy is hecka hot!  ghetto adj. run-down, not good, man! that dive is hella ghetto!  gangsta ghetto adj. resembling someone or something from the real LA ghetto, usually with connotations of being "cool" or "tough", dude! he's tryin' to be all gangsta ghetto!  hang out v. meet up, you wanna hang out sometime?  kick it v. meet up, come over and we can kick it!  however, be careful when using these words, as using them incorrectly with the wrong accent may result in your looking "uncool" and hence getting shot by someone who is "for real" "gangsta ghetto".  your tour guide will be happy to arrange a language exchange in order for you to become more familiar with the LA dialect.  this is highly recommended as a precaution against getting shot.  please also refer to your LA-english dictionary for further translations.

wildlife:

as one of the largest concrete jungles in the united states, LA is also home to some very exotic local wildlife.  in particular, be on the lookout for the celebrity species, as they can be spotted in camouflage in your day-to-day life.  in the event that you do spot one, please refrain from feeding it, as they often do not eat.  take photos quickly and discretely.  approach at your own risk, as they can become dangerous and aggressive:



cuisine:

like many of the major cities around the world, LA is also home to many areas of fine dining.  trying the local cuisine is always an excellent way to experience the native culture.  some popular local dishes include:  chocolate martini, sex on the beach, sour amaretto, body shot, diet pills.  the local fast food burger chain in n out is also a highly prized culinary gem.  do NOT mention anything negative related to in n out within hearing range of the locals, or you WILL return to england in a body bag.

if you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to contact your tour guide.  please also note that tipping is a great american custom.  please tip your tour guide as a sign of goodwill.  the standard american tipping rate is now 60%.

we hope you enjoy your stay in LA.  thank you for choosing theresa tours.

(fine print:  theresa tours is not responsible for lost or stolen items, or in the event that you are mugged, shot, or killed in a vehicular accident, the chances of which are 92.3% in LA).

top 10 places to go in the UK outside of london

since tourists almost always flock to london, i thought i'd give some suggestions about the places that i think are great to go outside of london, in case you want to venture beyond.  in no particular order, these places are:

1)  windsor - if you're going to be in london for awhile, then it is very easy to go to windsor for a day.  there is a direct train from london waterloo station straight to windsor, and you can just purchase tickets on the day.

windsor castle has extraordinarily beautiful rooms and a wealth of history, so definitely take a tour of the interior.  other highlights include the crooked tea house, a great place to have afternoon tea, and it's conveniently located just down the road from the castle.  during the summer, you can have a picnic on the long walk, where you could also ride in a horse-drawn carriage.

- the long walk:

2)  stonehenge, bath, glastonbury - i've grouped these three locations together because you can visit all three pretty much all at once.  it's really easy to book a day-tour to stonehenge, bath, and glastonbury from london.  proscenium tours usually run tours for students, and there are also many other tour buses (like premium tours and anderson tours) that run day trips to these locations from london.  a day-tour is the easiest way to experience these three locations.  the tours usually give you enough time to spend at each location, and you can see all three in only one day!  

stonehenge is about 5,000 yrs old and is only one of many stone circles in england.  bath is famous for its ancient roman baths.  you can bring your swimsuit and relax in the natural thermal spas, like the celts and romans did 2,000 yrs ago.  for jane austen fans, this was the city where she lived, influencing much of her writing.  there is a jane austen center where you can learn more about her life and times.glastonbury hosts medieval recreations in the abbot's kitchen, from costumes to cooking medieval food, which you can then taste.  this is also the place where king arthur and guinevere are said to be buried - their tombs are on the abbey grounds.  historians, however, think the abbey monks may have forged this relic in order to attract pilgrims.

3)  tintagel - cornwall is perhaps the most beautiful region of england, situated at the very western tip, with its small, picturesque coastal towns.  tintagel, on the northern coast of cornwall, is a small, remote village on the sea cliffs, and is great as a weekend getaway from the bustle of the city.  it has beautiful sea views, and is an excellent place for hiking along the ocean and exploring the waterfall and the many caves.  there are also the crumbling castle ruins on the cliffs, which are great to wander around.  in arthurian legend, this was the place where merlin used magic to disguise king uther as the duke of cornwall.  uther then visited the duchess of cornwall, igraine, in her tintagel castle, where king arthur was then conceived. 

4)  saint michael’s mount - this is one of the many tidal islands in the UK, and is located at the very tip of cornwall.  small islands during high tide and connected to the mainland at low tide, tidal islands are often remote locations and sites of medieval religious worship.  saint michael's mount is particularly peaceful and scenic, and makes for a relaxing weekend away.  incidentally, there is a similar tidal island in france with the same name, mont st. michel.

-saint michael’s mount at low tide:

5)  stratford-upon-avon – this is a beautiful, idyllic town, and is famous as the birthplace of william shakespeare.  here, you can walk through restorations of shakespeare’s childhood home and those of his relatives.  the royal shakespeare company has regular performances in the royal shakespeare theatre, which sits along the river avon.  the theater also offers tours and exhibitions, and the riverside banks are great for strolling.  =)

6)  northumberland – in the northeast corner of england, northumberland is a fantastic region to see medieval castles.  among them, alnwick castle is notable for being the site of the harry potter films.  it is the current home of the duke and duchess of northumberland, and is one of the largest inhabited castles.  it is a great, family-friendly place to visit - with games, harry potter tours, medieval recreations, and opportunities to see falconry.  it is also the site of the stunning alnwick garden, with beautiful terraced fountains, rope bridges, and the ‘bamboo labyrinth’, one of the world’s largest tree houses.  to see a classic, crumbling castle ruin by the sea, head to dunstanburgh castle for dark, moody, but majestic sea views.  northumberland is also home to the lindisfarne priory, situated on the scenic holy island, a tidal island.  there is also vindolanda, an ancient roman fort near hadrian’s wall, a great place to see ancient roman archaeological finds.

- alnwick castle:

7)  brecon beacons, wales – the brecon beacons national park is a breathtaking mountain range in the south of wales.  the best way to see the beacons is on horseback.there are several riding centres throughout the brecon beacons that offer horse-riding trips, many of which can be found on:  http://www.horseridingbreconbeacons.com/  several centres offer rides that suit all horse-riding abilities, from beginners with no prior riding experience, to those who ride daily.

- brecon beacons:

8)  antrim coast, northern ireland – this coastline along the northeast corner of northern ireland is an area of outstanding natural beauty.  it is home to the giant’s causeway, a natural wonder consisting of a series of interlocking hexagonal basalt columns reaching into the sea.  the giant’s causeway hotel, which sits right above the causeway, is perfect for a weekend stay among the strange formations of the rocks.  the carrick-a-rede rope bridge nearby is a thin little bridge spanning across the sea cliffs, and is definitely worth a visit to walk across.  =)

9)  glasgow – as the largest city in scotland, glasgow might seem a bit dark and dreary at first glance, but it is the best place to see the famous mackintosh architecture.  charles rennie mackintosh was a scottish art nouveau architect, and much of his architecture can be seen and visited in glasgow.  most notable are the willow tea rooms and the house for an art lover.  his architectural style has a fantastical, alice-in-wonderland feeling.

- music room piano, house for an art lover:

10)  scottish highlands – the highlands of scotland are magnificent, and there is no point going to scotland without seeing the highlands.  you can easily take a day tour from edinburgh or glasgow.  the days tours will take you through the stunning mountains of the highlands, and most will go all the way up to loch ness, where you can then board a boat cruise for some monster-spotting!  a few of the many highland tours include rabbie’s trail burners, timberbush, highland experience, and scottish tours.

- scottish highlands:

 
. rese

welcome and introduction

welcome to my travel blog!



wow, where to start. well, to give you a little introduction, i was born in houston, texas, raised in upstate ny, and my family and i moved to california about 10yrs ago when i went to college there. now we're based in the 'burbs of los angeles. i recently finished studying at royal holloway, university of london, and am typing this on my laptop in central london, as we speak. i've been in england for about 5yrs already now. time has flown by!!



given my background, this blog'll be an american-eyed view of travel and living abroad. and of course, of travel on a budget - given my background. so if you're that lucky 1% of the population who can afford big luxury vacation deals, then this blog probably isn't for you. keep checking back, though - who knows, there's always the chance that i could publish a bestseller and start giving tips on luxury vacations. but until then, if you're a student, or just plain poor, then i can hopefully help you out. afterall, if i can afford it, then you probably can too!



happy travels!

. rese